Let's talk warty growths 'n' all
SO I go for my annual skin check because I have been frightened into compliance by the "if only I hadn't ignored that spot” stories and I pass with flying colours.
I was feeling rather virtuously sun safe and smug - that is until the doctor says "would I like my skin tags and warty growths removed?”
"Yes,” I says weakly and he sets about freezing the little buggers into submission.
It's not many times in your life that someone wants to talk about your warty growths.
It's one of the trials of growing old that suddenly the smooth, perfect skin of youth begins to look, well, aged.
Living in a 'sunburnt country' doesn't help, I might add.
Here I was feeling that I was a reasonably fit, healthy and halfway presentable human, but no, I am That Woman with Warty Growths.
To help me navigate this new existential crisis I asked myself, what would Gwyneth Paltrow say?
Luckily this actress and lifestyle guru has written about aging and no longer being f**able.
Gwyneth, or GP as we like to call her now that we are all pals in the aging world, has Crows Feet around her eyes, poor love, and this has made her struggle with her identity a wee bit.
She should try having Warty Growths.
My identity is shot to pieces I can tell you.
You will thank me for what I did next.
I listened to a podcast from the Goop site, complete with irritating background harp music, about how a hair dryer could boost my shine buy 130 per cent.
I can't follow that data. 130 per cent of what?
Won't my hair be so shiny I will blind people with my brilliance?
I also learned that face oil is good because it gets so you "you feel you don't need makeup, if you wear makeup:”
Did you know that you should have an upgrade at 40?
Sadly I missed that boat.
I didn't even know that boat existed.
I didn't get my upgrade.
And 50s are the most magical time in your life, when you really fall in love with yourself.
A time to embrace myself, be in my integrity all the time and not be horrified.
What's wrong with me?
I can't consider discussing eyeliner for 40 minutes or getting 130 per cent shine on my hair.
I wasn't planning on being horrified by myself either although the Warty Growths episode did push things a bit.